By Laura Vandiver
This article was nominated for the 2025 GMO Newsletter Awards for first person experience articles for GMOs with 75-174 members. It appeared in the St. Louis Area Dressage Society newsletter, Hoof Prints, May 2025.
For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by the night sky. As a child, I used to sit by the window in my darkened bedroom and stare at the stars. I loved the constellations and learned about their rich history in human storytelling. But my favorite one, the one I searched for as my anchor in the sky, was Orion. Orion, the great hunter in Greek mythology, was both handsome and strong. It was also said that he could walk on water. He was, after all, the son of Poseidon, god of the sea. The stars that make up the constellation of Orion were recognized by many cultures as a distinctly human figure; some saw a giant, some saw a king, and the ancient Egyptians believed that the three stars forming Orion’s belt were the final resting place for the soul of Osiris — the god of the afterlife and rebirth. What I didn’t realize as a child was how my love for this constellation would connect to my other life passion: horses.
One day in the summer of 2023, I came across an online ad for a gorgeous, dark gray gelding for sale in Maryland. He was an 8-year-old Hanoverian with an eventing background. My trainer and I flew out to meet him. To say it was love at first sight would be an understatement! This guy had brains, beauty, talent, and the most loveable and silly personality. And, that dark gray coat was even more beautiful up close. He was starting to dapple, and the white spots showing through made a tapestry that looked just like stars in the night sky. He was the full package. Two weeks later, he was on a trailer headed for Missouri. But he needed just the right name. Yes, Orion. He would be my Orion.
Orion and I had many firsts together. We learned all about different kinds of groundwork. We played together in the field. We learned some new dressage moves. A junior rider took him to a hunter show. We went to several local dressage shows, and he helped me earn my very first blue ribbon after a lovely test. We learned how to be great partners together. He taught me confidence, patience, and how to take life a little less seriously. And, he had my whole heart. Everything was perfect…until it wasn’t.
On the evening of November 21, 2024, the call I got from the barn was unusual. Orion had been in turnout all day and had been acting completely normal, like any other day. But when the workers tried to bring him in for dinner, he wouldn’t come. “He’s just standing in the same spot, and he refuses to move,” they said. “We’ve tried everything — treats, grain, bringing his friends around to coax him back in. He hasn’t moved an inch!” Fear settled in my chest. It’s a familiar feeling to horse owners when your horse is potentially sick or injured. I tried to push those feelings aside and stay calm while I assessed the situation.
After consulting with several vets, and two stays at the University of Missouri Equine Veterinary Hospital, it was determined that Orion had a pelvic fracture. We still don’t know how it happened, but our best guess is he slipped and fell in the pasture, landing hard enough on his left hind that it cracked his pelvis. It was a freak accident. The kind that can happen to any horse. But Orion had one thing going for him: he remained his bright, goofy, happy self, even with this terrible injury.
Because he showed us that he wanted to get better and he wanted to be here, we tried everything for four months to try to heal him. The goal was to get him sound enough to retire in a pasture where he could live out his days fat and happy. It didn’t matter to me that I wouldn’t be able to ride him or compete with him. I just wanted Orion in my life.
Unfortunately, it became clear that Orion’s condition wasn’t going to improve, and when we were finally able to get some decent imaging of his pelvis, the vet used words like “…very abnormal and irregular. Fracture involving the acetabulum and femoral head with instability. Severe osteoarthritis …”
On March 6, 2025, I had to say goodbye to Orion. I was devastated. Heartbroken. Just… broken, in general. I wasn’t sure how to even begin to process this loss.
An unfathomable loss. Our time was cut short, and my dreams for us were never realized. It was hard to let those go, to let him go. But to heal, I had to look at that time as a gift. It was a gift to know and love him for that time, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. The months since his death haven’t been easy, but I do feel some closure. Here are a few things that helped me through my grief journey.
Grieve on Your Own Timeline
Everyone deals with loss in a different way. But something I’ve learned is that there’s no such thing as “getting over” the death of a beloved family member. The sadness you feel just changes over time. There’s no timeline for when you should stop grieving and “move on.” I have moved on, in the sense that I purchased a new horse and I’m creating a bond and a partnership with him. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about Orion every single day. I do. I was worried that people would think getting another horse just a couple months after his death would be “too fast.” But what people didn’t realize is that I grieved for Orion when he was still here. I had constant worry and anxiety about his recovery for four months. I knew it was unlikely he would ever be rideable again. I had hoped that with enough rest he would at least be able to walk. But the realization that he would never live without pain again was just the final piece of the loss. Some people could take days, months, or years to grieve. All of these are ok. Your grief is valid, and you need to do what feels right for you.
Memorialize Your Horse
Thinking about all the happy memories with Orion have helped me tremendously. I chose several ways to memorialize my time with him. Aside from the framed pictures in my house, I also had a special shadow box made for him, containing his picture, his tail, and one of his shoes. I also had an engraved, wooden box made with his picture on the top to hold his ashes and saved one of his shoes to create a steppingstone in my garden. I look at these every day and feel close to him, knowing a part of him is still here with me. There can be a lot of joy in doing something special to remember and honor your horse. Find a way to remember your horse in a way that resonates with you.
Talk to Other Equestrians Who Have Experienced Loss
Sometimes the best comfort comes from our equestrian community. Speaking to others who have experienced the loss of their beloved horse can give perspective on your own emotions and help process the grief. Fellow equestrians understand the unique challenges that come with losing an equine partner. They can offer a shoulder to cry on or be a compassionate listener as you talk about and remember your horse.
Create a New Routine
Caring for a horse every day brings its own familiar routine — going to the barn, grooming your horse, cleaning stalls, feeding your horse, etc. After a loss, the disruption in this daily routine can be very disorienting. Creating a new routine can help mitigate the feeling that your time lacks purpose. Some people find peace in meditation, yoga, quiet reflection, spending time in nature, or journaling. Others may want to dedicate that time toward a new project around the house that needs to be completed, or reconnecting with friends. I enjoyed visiting with my barn family and spending time with their horses. It helped me feel some closure while also nurturing my need to be around horses and talk to my friends about the complex feelings that come with grief.
A New Beginning
After losing a beloved horse, some equestrians may choose to step away from horses for a while. Others may want to start the process of searching for a new equine partner. It can be difficult thinking about starting over from scratch. It takes time to develop trust and partnership with a horse, and the bond you had with your previous horse may have taken a great deal of sacrifice, time and patience to create. But there’s also joy in observing the behavior, quirks, likes and dislikes of a new horse. It’s exciting to think about all the future possibilities and new dreams you have for your new horse. It’s all those past experiences you had with your previous horse that will guide you on this new beginning. You’re never starting from scratch again. You’re taking everything you’ve learned — that solid foundation — and you’re building your new partnership from there. In that way, the memory of your horse lives on, and helps to build your new partnership with a greater understanding of the patience, kindness and love it takes to create a lasting bond.
About the Author: Laura Vandiver is a lifelong equestrian and dressage enthusiast. She lives in Wildwood, MO with her husband and teenage son. She’s getting to know Aries, her new Hanoverian gelding, and hopes to be showing him later this year. Laura trains with Brianna Zwilling at Infinity Farm in Wright City, MO.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. 😢